


quiescent kind of love

by inlovewiththeirlove (fieldofdiabolicalbutlovelykillers)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Angst with a Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Parenthood, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 16:22:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14264940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fieldofdiabolicalbutlovelykillers/pseuds/inlovewiththeirlove
Summary: Halloween always brings out mischief and wonder but a strange costume request from Phil’s son leaves him questioning his parenting.





	quiescent kind of love

**Author's Note:**

> What do you mean I can’t write a halloween story in April?

Woods were always too quiet in Phil’s opinion. He hated walking through them, a constant feeling of being stalked trailing behind him. It was as if someone was waiting to strike. Shivers would tingle up his spine and his heart would almost be racing out of his chest. Moments like this though, made him less afraid. The crunch of leaves under his boots was loud and at a different time that would have alarmed him but there was a fit of giggles occurring next to him that assuaged that anxiety and all others. 

“Daddy, look!” Davey yelled and Phil turned over to his son on his bike, attempting to jump over a pile of leaves using a makeshift ramp, no doubt left behind by some older kids. Phil smiled wide, and cheered him on. He knew Dan, ever the worrier, would consider it unsafe but Phil wanted Davey to have a childhood much like his own, carefree and filled with adventure. 

Davey got ready on his bike and Phil watched with anticipation as his son got into position and seconds later was off. He was on the ramp and time seemed to slow down, a worried yelp sat at the tip of his tongue but a split second later, Davey made it over the pile. 

“Whoo!” he yelled and Phil cheered along with him. He lifted the boy out of his bike seat and swung him around, Davey spreading his arms out like he was an aeroplane and the usual quietness of the crisp, autumn evening was replaced by loud laughter that boomed through the trail. 

Phil finally put Davey down and he was a little too worn out. Picking up a 7-year old Davey was not the same thing as picking up Davey when he was younger. Phil would still like to consider himself to be fit but his growing son sometimes reminded him of how far he was aging. 

“We should be heading home now, come on bud,” Phil said. 

Davey walked alongside his bike next to Phil and the pair talked about Phil maybe taking Davey to a stake park where Davey could learn some tricks. Phil laughed and agreed to, though he would be get him enough safety gear that his son would resemble a bubble wrapped piece of furniture. He couldn’t take chances, skate parks have to be one of the most dangerous places for a child. Phil was still a little scared, though that was of the older bullies and not the half-pipes and ramps. 

They both took a shortcut home, cutting through a parking lot that would cut their time in half. While walking they spotted a crowd of people coming and going from who seemed to be a pop-up store. 

A clown stood outside the door and was handing out flyers while yelling, “Happy Halloween! Come inside if you dare, to scare your friends and see how they fare. Spook them all, maybe with a creepy doll and watch them all fall.” He gestured wildly and enunciated each word which made Phil want to roll his eyes. 

Before he could, Davey looked up at him with that look. His eyes widened and that said everything. Phil knew he would give in, few people had that effect, so far it had only been Dan and Davey, one look and he was putty.

“Fine, let’s go then. I know you want to,” Phil said and Davey immediately breaks out in a grin and runs inside.

Phil follows after him, shrugging off the clown that wants to talk to him. The clown might be the creepiest thing in the store.

The inside of the pop-up shop was more regular , no nightmare inducing clowns to be found. It was full to the brim with wigs, costumes, decorations and other stuff that reminded Phil of his props chest that was still sitting in the basement somewhere.

Before Phil could even begin to think about buying halloween candy or his own costume, Davey ran up to him, holding a full-size skeleton that seemed to be double his size.

“Can we get this?” the boy was struggling with the length of the item but still pushed it up for him to have a better view. “Please?”

Phil sighed. There was a reason shopping with kids was considered to be difficult.

“Sweetie, no, we have a box full of halloween decorations sitting in the basement and we’ve already got a skeleton.”

“But that skeleton is tiny. And this one makes creepy noises.” Davey pressed a button to demonstrate and sure enough cackles and maniacal laughter emitted out of the speakers. “I want us to have the scariest house on the yard.”

“Honey, I said no, okay. How about you go decide on a costume and I’ll put this back where you got it from?” Davey knew Phil's question was more of a demand so he resigned. “Fine.”

Though he added, “But I get to be whatever I want.”

“Of course you do child.” replied Phil and smiled as he saw his son make his way towards the costume section.

Phil could guess that Davey's costume would be a superhero. Over the last few months Dan had been showing Davey superhero movies he loved and Davey had seemed fascinated with Spiderman. Phil finally found the spot where all the other creepy skeletons were displayed and after returning it, he made his way to the costume section.

He moved past the baby costumes, the dog costumes, and the Disney princesses before ending up in the young boys section and looked around for Davey. He didn't immediately spot him but figured the kid would spot him in a few minutes. There were some advantages to being freakishly tall in a kids section. He took the time to browse through some costumes as well, reminiscing of years past. 

A few minutes later, Davey came running over to Phil. 

“Daddy! daddy! I found it!” Davey seemed ecstatic and with a grin held up his costume. 

“Alright mate what is it?” Phil leaned down a little and Davey squealed, “Wonder Woman! I’m going to be Wonder Woman!” 

Phil’s smile disapted and he tilted his head. 

He thought Davey meant Steve Trevor from Wonder Woman but no, he noticed the packet had a picture of a little girl with her hands on her hips in a Wonder Woman costume. 

_A little girl._

__

__

_A girl._

Phil took in a sharp breath, unable to react. _I should be excited, I should be happy,_ Phil thought to himself. An envious thought followed after, _“Dan would be.”_

And Dan would. He’d laugh and help Davey pick out accessories. Phil knew that is what a modern parent should be like but somewhere his heart sank at the thought of his son playing dress up.

Maybe it was the shock, or it was something else. Phil knew plenty of people who didn't ascribe to gender roles, even Dan on occasion had adorned nail polish or skirts and he was fine with that. 

He didn't want to tell Davey anything was wrong with him so he said, “Davey, you know I think this year, your Papa, you, and me should all do a family costume. So how about we come back here tomorrow with Papa and then we can get them together?” 

Davey’s face looked like a kicked puppy. Phil couldn't tell whether his kid was more angry or more upset.

“You promised I could get something...” Davey's voice started wavering and Phil desperately tried to do some damage control, “Tomorrow, I promise we can get it, okay?” 

“I. want. it. today!” Davey was being louder now and a few parents looked over at their direction. Some with a knowing pity and some with judgemental glares seemingly saying, “Control your child.” 

Davey took the costume and threw it on the ground and whined, “You promised I could get something.” Davey looked like he was about to cry so Phil said, “Hey Davey,” Phil spoke in a soft soothing tone, not wanting to upset him further, “How about we get something else today? You liked the skeleton right?” 

Davey looked upset and was pouting but said, “Yeah, okay.” 

They both walked back and returned home to an aroma emitting from the kitchen. Dan was home. 

“Heyo,” Dan stepped out of the kitchen to greet them. He was holding a wooden spoon with a red sauce on it. The same sauce trailed his apron that read, “World’s #1 Dad”. Davey immediately ran to give him a hug. Dan ruffled Davey's hair and said, “You guys ready for some dinner?” 

Davey nodded and Dan asked him if to help set the table.

“Davey, before that, take off your shoes please and wash your hands.” Phil said after him but he knew that his requests probably fell on deaf ears. Phil sighed and made his way to the kitchen.

“How was your day then?” he asks Dan with a smile on his face because he missed Dan today.

“Ah, uneventful. The client came, explained why they needed a talking animal to sell toilet paper, and then we all talked shit about them.” Phil smiled fondly at that.

“Yours?” Dan wondered, “You seem stressed.”

“No, it was good , I think I’m going to change before dinner though.”

“Alright,” Dan replied, “We’ll be waiting.”

Phil made his way upstairs and immediately sunk into his bed. Today had been a lot and he needed to decompress.

Fifteen minutes later, Phil returned downstairs as he overheard the repeated cackles of the skeleton they had bought. He guessed that Davey was showing it to Dan and walking into the room confirmed his assumption. They were both laughing together, food poured into both their plates but a third empty plate next to them.

  
( \\_/ )  
(= •.•= )  


“How’d you end up getting more halloween decorations? I thought we agreed that the box downstairs was already overflowing.” Dan asked while rinsing a dish for it to go in the dishwasher. Phil noticed how the accusatory tone was missing from Dan. Other spouses would be demanding, or passive aggressive or rude but he’d ended up with a gem. A gem who was looking at him with an expectant look in his eyes.

Phil knew Dan wouldn't judge him but the apprehension was still clear in his voice as he said, ”Uh...Davey was being a bit… you know..” Phil could barely finish the sentence before Dan jumped in.

“Was he making a scene? You know you aren't actually supposed to give into tantrums, you spork. That's what all those parenting blogs say.” Dan laughed a little while raising an eyebrow at Phil.

“No Dan it wasn't like that, it was… it’s hard to explain. I had promised he could get one thing and when his costume didn't work out, I got him this.” Phil explained to the best of his ability.

“Wait why did his costume work out?”

“His choice was strange okay?”

“Okay did he ask to be a cannibal because that friend Jimmy of his keeps talking about cannibal documentaries he watches on YouTube. I don't know how his parents have figured out parental controls yet.” 

“Dan, he wanted to be Wonder Woman.”

“Oh.” Dan states. “That's so cool, we could totally reuse the lasso from last year's cowboy costume, spray paint it gold, or is that not safe. They must make gold paint that’s non-toxic, I’ll look it up later.” Dan continued planning details of the outfit as he handed dishes to Phil for him to dry. Phil felt a pang of guilt. Why couldn't he be the chill parent? Why couldn't he accept that his son may want different things?

“But Dan we can't let him wear that.” Phil said matter of factly. 

He was met with a look of disdain that Phil had seldom seen on his husband's face. “What do you mean? Because I didn't think you’d be so close-minded.” Dan's tone cut.

“Dan, I’m not being close-minded, I’m being realistic. Imagine what everyone will think. I can almost hear Mrs. Thompson from down the street talking about how the fags are forcing their sexuality on their kids. Ugh, that woman.” Phil was ranting now, his anger giving way to glimpses of his northern accent. 

Dan sighed. “Glad to know Mrs. Thompson is more important to you than our son.” 

Phil was offended. “Dan, that's not fair.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. How about we go tell Davey that he cannot be happy this halloween cause his dad cares more about some old lady than his happiness.” 

Dan washed his hands and then wiped them using his apron. He somehow made that mundane action be full of anger. 

Phil loved that Dan radiated every emotion he felt, each one got center stage. When Dan laughed, it was as if his entire body was celebrating. The belly laugh would take over, his dimples would make and appearance, eye wrinkles had started to show and he had this tendency to move his hands when he laughed. It was the only time when Dan truly let go.

Dan’s body perhaps gave away his feelings, the way he looked at Phil said it all. His eyes would find Phil’s any chance they’d get, they’d almost twinkle and Phil jokingly referred to them as ‘anime eyes’. There were other things too, when Dan expressed love, he became demure, but his hands would always need to hold Phil. 

Dan expressed every emotion with passion, Phil loved him for it, apart from now because Dan started to walk out of the kitchen without further discussion. 

“Dan, come on,” Phil started to say, trailing after his husband, “Will you please hear me out?” 

Dan finally stopped in their living room and looked at Phil. 

“Fine. Explain.” 

The words were almost a challenge. Talk yourself out of this or make it worse. Phil took in a breath and said, “It’s not about the neighbors, look I want him to have friends and have a good halloween, I don't want him to come home crying because people find him weird okay? I want what is best for him. He deserves friends and fun and a childhood without bullies. We never had that and we should strive to give him that.” 

Dan lips thin at that. His face goes blank. 

“Don’t give me that look, I want my son to be accepted,” Phil raised his voice a little in defence. He was glad that Davey was playing upstairs and couldn’t hear this conversation. Well, this conversation that was closer to an argument. Phil would call it a disagreement. This wasn’t going to be a fight. Dan however seemed intent to to make it one. 

“Yes, you want him to be accepted and I want our son to be himself and to know we support him.” 

“Of course I support him, the rest of the world though? You might think things are better but you know better. There’s a reason we don’t hold hands in public Dan, you can’t be this naive. Come on let’s get him a Spider-Man costume tomorrow he loves that,” 

“Are you serious right now?” 

“Yes Dan he is our-,” 

“No! Phil listen he is my son and I am never going to let him apologize to you or anyone else about who he is. Mrs. Thompson can suck my dick but my son will wear whatever costume he wants and I don’t care who tries to stop me and that includes you. Phil seriously, I am disappointed right now.” 

“Dan, I am being protective okay.” 

“You are telling him to hide” 

“I am letting him be normal.” 

“Stop saying that word.” 

“What?” 

“Normal. Am I not normal Phil, huh? I wear nail polish and skirts and sometimes dresses. 

You want to protect our kid from freaks like me, is that it?” 

“Dan it’s not like that, but he’s seven okay? He lives in this world which is nice and wonderful and he hasn’t faced judgment or ridicule and I don’t want to ruin that for him.” 

“You know what Phil, when the man who told me being normal was boring comes back here tell him to talk to me. I’m going to go to the store tomorrow and get my son that costume, you’re welcome to join us if you can be a good parent.” 

“You’re being immature, Dan. You know that’s unfair.” 

“At least I’m living in this century.” 

That signals the end of the conversation. Dan goes upstairs probably to talk to Davey and tuck him in, while Phil goes back into the kitchen and stares at the post-dinner mess. Domestic bliss can turn on a whim. 

Phil starts cleaning with finishing loading the dishwasher. He then packs the leftovers in tupperware for lunch the next day and then starts sweeping. Its somewhere in this cleaning haze where he realizes that he wants to talk to Dan, he wants to be better and he can’t go on like this. Sleeping when you’re somewhere between angry and resentful wouldn’t be good for either of them. 

Phil knew Dan would probably be in the office after tucking him in so he shoots a quick text. 

Phil [10:26]: you wanna talk? 

Phil tried to busy himself by cleaning up the kitchen but two minutes into wiping the counters, he checked his phone again. No response. Phil couldn’t let his mind go into frenzy, but the radio silence from Dan wasn’t helping. He couldn’t help himself, he checked again. Phil knew it was probably nothing, maybe Dan had his headphones in, maybe he’d gotten distracted, it wasn’t likely that Dan was giving him the cold shoulder. They didn’t do that to each other. Phil sent a quick question mark anyways. 

Dan [10:32]: I’m going to catch up on some work. You should sleep. 

Phil felt like the text was a punch to the gut. It felt like his worst feelings were realised. Dan was shutting him out. Phil wasn’t planning on giving up though. 

Phil [10:33]: davey fall asleep? 

Dan [10:34]: He’s pretending to be, I’m sure he picked up the Ipad the second I left the room. you should say goodnight. 

Phil [10:34]: haha i’m glad he’s reading at least 

Dan [10:35]: yeah better than letting youtube corrupt him 

Dan [10:35]: he might start getting ideas that he can be himself 

Phil takes in a breath. He doesn’t know what to say to that. He wants to argue but he knows doing this over text is a bad idea. 

Phil [10:36]: don’t stay up too late okay? ily 

Phil shoots off the text and hopes for a reply that doesn’t make him want to cry. He wants to talk to Dan, to figure out why he feels this way. To understand why this is a problem for him. He knew Dan felt as though Phil’s opinion was an attack against everything Dan stood for but he needed to talk to someone. He wasn’t willing to be a bad father, but he still felt terrified at the idea of his son dressing up like a girl. 

Phil waits for a response but after a couple of minutes, he decides to give up. Phil feels lost and decides to call his mom. At least she would be willing to hear him out. 

It takes a few rings for his mom to pick up. She says hello and her cheerful voice instantly calms him. She has always been her support and also been able to read him like an open book. 

“Phil, what happened? You don’t sound good.” 

“It took one hello for you to figure it out? What kind of superpowers do you have woman?” 

“It's all mother’s intuition. So what happened?” 

“Ah, it's complicated. I dunno, can I ask you something?” 

“Of course darling.” 

“Did you have a problem with it? When I came out… was it hard?” 

There is silence for longer than Phil expected but then his mother’s voice says. 

“I’m not going to lie to you and say it was easy. I didn’t expect it and it was a different time. You know sometimes when you went out with your gay friends or with some boy I’d sit next to the phone for hours expecting a call telling me you were in some hospital somewhere. Honey, why are you asking though, is everything okay?" 

Phil took in a breath. He had known him coming out wasn’t easy on his parents but he had always attributed that to the disappointment of not having biological grandkids, not the intense fear of being different when being different could land you in a hospital. 

“I want to protect Davey from the world and its difficult.” 

“Look you want to know something? As a parent, you will worry, you will never stop worrying. Even now when you don’t call for a couple of days, my heart starts beating fast with worry. But you trust that you’re raising someone good and you let them grow up with freedom.” 

“But ma, what if he gets hurt, someone out there is going to say something to him and then what.” 

“Darling, you can’t shield your child against everything. All you can do is show him the difference between good and bad people and hope for the best.” 

Kathryn’s words made sense and yet the sinking feeling he had remained. They talked some more, her demanding that he bring her boys up north for longer this winter break and Phil smiled. 

Part of his mind was still thinking about the fear. Everytime Dan wore makeup outside, Phil was paranoid, protective and ready to defend Dan to anyone that bothers him. Dan can handle himself but he’s known too many people who weren’t lucky, who ended their prides in hospital beds and black eyes. How can he let his face that world? He took in a deep breath. 

The kitchen was clean by now and anything leftover, Phil decided he’d do in the morning. He made his way upstairs and towards Davey’s bedroom. 

Phil opens the door and finds Davey tuckered out, peacefully sleeping in bed, the soft golden glow of the night light illuminating his face. Phil notices the way Davey’s curls rest on his forehead. It is remarkable how much he resembles Dan in that moment. Phil has often caught himself starting at Dan when he’s asleep and Davey looks like him right now. All the energy from the day has been transformed into calmness. Phil wants to protect him, like he wanted to protect Dan. They were his family, who would he be if he didn’t protect them? 

Phil leans down and kisses Davey on the cheek. He turns off the nightlight after that, knowing Davey will be okay. 

It’d be easier if Phil could always know that Davey would be okay. In some ways it was better when Davey was younger, one of them always needed to have an eye on him, but they could keep everything out of harm's way. They didn’t have to protect him from the rest of the world, only small objects he might swallow. 

Phil remembered the first day Davey was at daycare. Phil was more nervous and scared than Davey was. Like his mum, he had spent the better part of the morning next to the phone dreading a phone call saying something had gone wrong. When a few hours went by and he had done little work but no call had come he was relieved but then he worked himself up by worrying that maybe the catastrophe was so bad that no one could get to a phone. He had called Dan and told him that he was freaking out about this and Dan had left his own office and rushed over to Phil’s and sat with him, held his hand and everything was okay. 

Phil pulled out his phone and texted Dan. 

Phil [11:12] I don’t want to fight. I kinda need someone to be here for me 

Phil doesn’t get a text back like he was expecting but a couple of minutes later he hears footsteps in the hallway. The door opens and Dan enters. They both look at each other. 

Phil doesn’t have words to express his feelings but Dan climbs into bed next to him and holds his hand. 

Dan doesn’t say anything, and Phil appreciates it because Phil isn’t sure he’d know how to respond. 

Phil finally breaks the silence, “Is it okay that I’m terrified?” 

“Why?,” Dan says softly, “Is it because he’s different than what you expected?” 

“No, it’s because I can’t make the world love him the way I do.” 

“You know, daring to be different is what you taught me how to do.” 

“Yeah?” 

"Yeah.” 

“You must think I’m a coward now, scared of everyone. I called my mum. She was terrified too, when I came out I mean. I didn’t know I put her through that.” 

“Phil, you didn’t put her through that. You were being yourself and living your truth. I admire the way your parents raised you. You’re someone who was unique and strange and wonderful and your parents never limited that. Your mum was terrified but she never stopped you from bringing boys home, or doing youtube or anything else. I always hid everything I did and who I was from my parents but then I saw you with yours. You told them stuff and it was okay and in the future I want that with Davey. I don’t want him to hide from us.” 

Phil looked at Dan and smiled though his eyes may have gone a little watery. 

“If you’re here, I have no reason to be scared right?” 

Dan giggled next to Phil. 

Dan looked over to Phil and said, “What’s our costume going to be anyways?” 

“No clue, you have any ideas?” 

“Maybe Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy?” Dan raises an eyebrow clearly teasing but Phil simply laughs. 

“You know you’re going to have to let Davey beat you up, right?” 

“If he’s happy, then I am too.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback appreciated and welcome!  
> find me on tumblr: cutie-with-booty. tumblr.com


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